Doubts

A series of events strung out over my life have left me bitter, confused, and discontent. 

Raised in a Presbyterian household, educated with six years of Lutheran schooling, involved with volunteer work (or "ministry work") within the church I had confirmed to, I feel a kind of knot in my stomach. The kind of knot you get when your mom or dad looks down on you and says, "I'm not mad, but I'm very disappointed in you."

But I have a lot of hostility toward the church. Toward organized religion. Toward what I've been told my whole life.

There's a reason college developed the reputation of rebellion, acceptance, and radical thought. No, it's not just the drugs. Biology and the sciences have me laughing at the concept of Noah's Arc. I'm not well versed enough in just about any other religion to make a comparison, but I know how quick we are to judge Mayan religion, Native American tradition, and the Roman Catholic Church. So HOW is it okay to frown upon, bash, criticize, and pick apart those religions as ridiculous and far-fetched when Christianity follows some of the most outlandish concepts in regards to modern society? How???

It's hard for me to understand that, while grateful, I survived what should have been a fatal car accident when just weeks later, a devout, talented, beautiful Christian girl from my high school was drunk driving, hit a pole, and died. I don't know that I believe in "luck" because there's no reasoning behind when you get it and when you don't. I have this strange, sickening feeling that science and physics behind how we were hit by that SUV and how Jordan hit that pole are just enough to cause the reactions that they did. In addition, of course, to a plethora of other factors. 

I am doubting my religion, and I'm doubting yours too. There will be more entries with more history and more stories. Specific topics to be covered and ranted about. All set in motion by just a few events.

What are those? Well... 

Hostility toward having religion pushed by my educators as a child;

Seeing the amount of regular pain and suffering throughout the world with no way to fix it;

Feeling just as good without prayer as I did with it;

Watching the film "Religulous" (yeah, i know. but it's a must-see);

Enrolling myself in "Women and Religion" at college;

Among an overabundance of other factors.